So, you've just found out that a friend or relative has breast
cancer and you want to help but you have no idea what to say or do. Don't worry, you are not alone. It isn't easy. But don't let that put you off: your loved
one needs you now more than ever before.
We've been lucky to have been on the receiving end of fantastic support
so far (and only a few clangers) so here are my dos and don'ts, based on what
people got right...and what they got wrong.
1. First step, say
something, don't just pretend it isn't
happening. Yes, I'm afraid sometimes
when people just don't know what to say, they drop out of touch
altogether. And yet a few carefully
chosen words from you can make all the difference. One of my friends is hopeless at emailing
because she finds it difficult to express herself when she writes. So she went on a quest to find a card with
the 'right' words in it - three cards later she concluded, 'there is
none.' So she simply wrote: 'I've been
thinking about you a lot. I'm sending
you good thoughts, positive vibes and a big hug. Stay strong!
I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on! Good luck.
I know it is scary for you.' How
perfect is that?
2. But don't say too much...and be prepared
for a tongue lashing if you do. Okay
so it's important to say something but be aware that, especially in the early
days, it's really easy to say the wrong thing.
Don't tell your loved one that you understand what they are going
through. You don't. Even if you have experienced something similar,
everyone reacts differently. And
DEFINITELY don't say you understand because you once had a bad mammogram result
that turned out to be ok. This isn't
even in the same ballpark as getting a cancer diagnosis. Do share your experiences if they are
relevant but be wary about offering advice until your loved one is ready for
it. And if they get really mad because
you said the wrong thing, just take the tongue lashing and tell them that you
are sorry and you love them. Honestly,
they are not really angry with you.
3. Listen. And then do some more listening. Especially in the early days, your loved one
might need talk it out over and over and again.
You don't have to fix things, just listen. And then, with alarming suddenness, they
might have had enough and desperate to talk about anything ELSE but the
cancer. So be prepared to chat about
other things too.
3. Offer stories with
caution. It's nice to hear about
so-and-so who had breast cancer and was just fine after a little lumpectomy and
radiotherapy. But it can get quite
irritating when it's the tenth story you've heard along the same lines and your
breast cancer has spread to your lymph nodes
and the MRI showed something that might be malignant on your liver. There is breast cancer and there is breast
cancer! On the other hand, whatever you
do, don't share stories about people who died from cancer (oh yes, it happens...).
4. And the same thing for connections. Your aunt's friend's neighbour once had
breast cancer. Wait, maybe it was skin
cancer. But it's got to be the same
sort of thing, right? You can put them
in touch so they can help each other! Oh
please. Have you any idea how many
people I've been put in touch with who have nothing at all in common with me except
they once had some brush with cancer?
Now, I'm not saying never do it.
Again, especially at the beginning, your loved one might have loads of
questions and someone who has had genuinely similar experiences might be able
to help. Even better if they have
something else in common; one of my connections was pure gold, linking me with another
mum who had just finished identical treatment before she arrived in Brussels
and had a daughter in the same class as my daughter. Just make sure that it really is a good fit
and will be welcomed by both sides - people who have been through it don't
always want to relive it either.
4. Offer to help. Actually, people are very good at offering to
help but it isn't easy for your loved one to say yes. Of course you can ask what she needs, but she
might have no idea what to ask for in the early days. Make it easier by being specific: instead of
a general offer ('Let me know what I can do to help'), try and think what you would need in her
shoes ('Can I pick the kids up from school for you on chemo day?' or 'Would you
like company at the hospital?'). I
found that meals delivered to us for the week after chemo were a huge help but
I'd have been far too embarrassed to ask people to do that for me. So a friend stepped in and organised a rota
for me. So, ask your loved one if they
already have a rota. If they do, join
it. If they don't, start one.
5. If you live too
far away to deliver a meal, you can still send comfort. Many of my dearest friends live far away and
cannot help me in practical ways. And
yet they have still found ways to carry me through it through messages and
things that arrive in the post. They've
sent me four leafed clovers, soothing music to listen to in hospital, a scarf
to wear on my baldie head, a stone painted with the word 'courage', my
favourite tea and lists of prayers that are being said on my behalf...
6. Stick with
it. We were overwhelmed by a tsunami
of messages in the early days which was great, that was when we needed it
most. But cancer treatment is a long
course. It's not easy to keep holding
someone's hand all the way through chemo and radiotherapy over a period of
months, or maybe longer, and yet your loved one may need support more than ever
near the end of treatment as she gets weaker.
7. Last but by no means least, don't forget the rest of the family. I find that most people focus on me and
sometimes ask how the kids are coping.
Only occasionally does anyone ask after my husband and then usually it's
in conversation with me, not with him.
It is, perhaps, inevitable in the majority of cases like mine when the
wife has breast cancer and the husband is the main carer - women tend to have
much better support networks than men.
But the burden is heavy on them too so, if you can, ask him how he is
coping too.
The amazing support we have received from friends and family
has buoyed me up and enabled me to get this far with a smile still on my
face. It might not be easy to find the
right thing to say but it's well worth the effort ...because you could make all
the difference. Good luck!
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