It's nearly Christmas.
That perfect time of year when we are surrounded by friends and family,
goodwill to all and Christmas cheer. The
time of year when we spend glorious days walking through pristine snow with our
loved ones having happy snowball fights, then go home to open delightfully
packed presents and share a glass of mulled wine. We've all seen the movies!
Of course, Christmas doesn't usually work out quite like
that. In fact, it can be a pretty
stressful time of year when families bicker and fall out, we all eat too much
and feel ill and wish we could go outside but it's too cold and rainy. And yet that image of the perfect Christmas
infects us all, and it's the time of year when we are most likely to feel the
injustice of things that make our lives a lot less than perfect.
It's the time of year when we are most likely to say - it's
not fair that I have cancer!
When I started my chemo back in August, it was all supposed
to be over by Christmas. Thanks to my
dodgy white blood cells, I'll now be on chemo right into the New Year. And as I'm on weekly Taxol, that means
spending a good chunk of the holidays at the hospital. We won't be able to go back to the UK to see
family because I have to be here for treatments. Reluctantly we have also decided to un-invite
our guests over New Year because I fear I'm just going to be too exhausted to
cope with six extra kids staying in the house for several days.
It's not fair!
I'm not the only one to find the pressures of Christmas
intensifying my misery. Half of those in
a poll done by the Samaritans said they feel low in December, with most of
those finding their worries were most troubling during the festive period. Over a third felt lonely. A third felt anxious due to relationship and
financial difficulties. Add to that a
good dose of feeling chemo-rotten, probably some extra stress on relationships
due to illness and maybe some cancer-related financial difficulties too...it's
hardly surprising that a chemo-Christmas has the potential to be a difficult
time of year.
But even if it's not going to be quite the festive season
that I'd hoped for this year, I'm still determined that it's going to be a good
one. So here are ten festive resolutions
to help me make the best of things.
1.
To forgive myself my mood swings. We don't have to be ho-ho-ho all the time:
it's okay to be angry, fearful or just fed up with it all sometimes. On the other hand, it's worth keeping it in
perspective too. There are plenty of
people out there that I wouldn't swap with.
2.
To be realistic about what I can do over the
festive season. No matter how
well the chemo is going, I still get tired easily....and achy and sore and a
bit miserable on some days. But the good
thing about chemo is that it seems to be the same sequence of symptoms every
time around so you can at least plan to do things on days you know you are
likely to feel well, and decline invitations on the not-so-hot days. When my-laws are here, I have resolved to
practice my delegation skills and be quite up front about scheduling in rest
times. The day after Christmas is likely
to be my most Taxol-achy day, so we're planning a spa day. Here's the plan - the in-laws can entertain
the kids in the activity pools while I'm going to soak my achy bones in the hot
tubs.
3.
To be spontaneous when I feel well. It's
not easy to book Christmas activates in advance when you don't know how bad it's
going to get further down the line. All
those cumulative side effects, how bad will it get? We spent ages wondering whether to send out early
invitations to our usual mince pies and mulled wine afternoon because I didn't
want to commit to anything until I had a better idea how I was going to feel -
would I have a dangerously low white blood cell count again? Then, just a few days before the date we'd
chosen, my blood tests came back with good levels and I was feeling pretty
upbeat. But surely it was too late to
invite people over when everyone was busy with the pre-Christmas rush? We sent out invites anyway and had a last
minute, lovely afternoon - lots of people came, perhaps making a special effort
because they knew it was a big deal this year.
4.
To opt out if I feel rubbish. I'm not going to beat myself up about opting
out of social stuff at the last minute or not sending as many presents and
cards this year. I'm going to make it as
easy as possible too - no staggering around crowded shopping malls for me this
year, it's all on-line shopping.
5.
To keep to my healthy regime. Christmas often seems to centre on eating
unhealthy food and drinking too much and there's no harm in a little
indulgence. But I'm going to stick to my
alcohol ban as I figure my body has enough to deal with at the moment. I won't be getting tipsy this Christmas - and
that's a great opportunity to laugh at my drunk friends! I'm going to do my best not just to vegetate
in front of the TV either and to get outside for some exercise (wish me luck
with this one).
6.
To plan a chemo-menu. Stodgy Christmas pudding might not appeal to
my delicate chemo-tummy and there are days when the idea of cooking a roast
makes me want to throw up. So I'm going
to delegate the cooking and make sure we've got some food in the house that
appeals to me even if it's not exactly seasonal.
7.
To avoid getting sick. I'm doing my best to avoid catching the
winter coughs and colds that are doing the rounds while my white blood cell
count is low: my family are endlessly using hand sanitizer and my friends have
been warned not to greet me with a kiss.
No mistletoe in our house this year!
8.
To appreciate my caregivers, especially
my husband. Christmas is a great time to
say thank you.
9.
To manage the kids' expectations. I've done my best to make sure that Christmas
is the same as it usually is...but they have to understand that I might not
have the energy for everything this year.
So that means some delegation again:
handing over to my parents-in-law when I have to be in hospital, having
some fun activities planned for them to do alone when I need to have a
rest.
10.
To celebrate! For those of us with
early stage breast cancer, we can have every hope that next Christmas, this
will all be behind us. We'll have our
hair back and (hopefully) our energy too.
So I'm going to be taking lots of photos to mark this unique Christmas
and next year I will look back at them and know that I am blessed to have come
through it all...even when the family bickers and it rains outside.
I hope my resolutions will be enough to keep me calm and
serene through the exhaustion of Christmas.
Or at least not screech at the kids or lose my temper with the
mother-in-law. Will they do the job? I'll let you know in January.
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